May222012
These pass few days I’ve been bothered with myself. I haven’t been praying, or living up to His expectation for that matter. I’ve been slacking, and with me lacking in the first place, slacking more can take a toll. I feel God’s presence going away. The Holy Ghost just disappearing due to my actions. Before this I would watch my mouth and remind other to as well. But lately, I have the sense that its okay to say it. Leaving room for temptation will just open more room for more temptations.
Lately I’ve been thinking of my goals and how to achieve it, “realistically”. It would take a good, productive two years to even consider going to California. I’ve asked myself many many times, “how much do I depend on God?” And as of right now I am depending more on myself to make it happen than God, Himself. When I start to compare reality with God, I’m afraid reality is going to win. But God shouldn’t be compared to reality in the first place, He is so much more. When you start questioning His abilities, you lose faith. It might just be a little but even a little is enough.
You see, I can’t see myself doing something else and feel good about it. Even if its for a good cause I can’t see the good of it. If I’m not doing things for God than I rather not do it at all. And once I start to question it like this I question everything of my doings. “Then why aren’t I doing this or that or this or that.” And then it becomes a spiritual check and the questions really begin. “Why aren’t I doing this or that?” I don’t know if I should change my spiritual mentality or spiritual understanding, but how can it be any different when this, what I’m thinking, feeling IS the ultimate truth. People may find it ridiculous to depend so much on God, even I until just this instant when I remember how great it was depending on God. And its these moments where we forgot about God’s love and power. People question God when they don’t see His doings in their lives first handedly. But why am I questioning God when I’ve experienced His work first-handedly.
When I get so caught up, I forget about God. Really, these pass few days I’ve forgotten all the great things I’ve picked up and just not now remembering them. God can do all things. Have faith. If you should command this mountain to move and it’ll move. Be strong, be courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord God is with us wherever we go. Pray earnestly.
12AM
Thinking about school… I’m both excited and scared. I’m afraid I might turn out to be the same as I was. :/ excited because I’m determined. Hahahah. Weird I know. Man. I needa pray.
May212012
Congrats to Jime, Sisinlaw, and Kae.
Seeing people graduates really makes you think. It makes you think of yourself and your goals. It makes you imagine about Your graduation. Sitting there I imagined myself graduating with a room full of disciples, just getting ready to go out to face the world. Accepting the diploma from Francis Chan. Seeing friends and family never ending support walking back to the seats. It’ll be great. XD it also made me feel like a slowpoke. But I don’t really let it bother me much anymore, everyone has their own pace. ^^ doesn’t make you any smarter or any dumber. It’s the strive for education that makes people smart. Strive and you’ll be smart. Don’t strive and you’ll never be smart. Simple.
It’ll take work, but I really can’t wait for mines. Hahah. Goodluck to all of us. Pray! ^^
May192012
I am afraid that I won’t have enough faith to stand up against the devil. I am afraid indeed. But by God, He will always be my protector. He governs me. I want to have the faith of the world. I just want to have exceedingly amount of faith. Undying. I’m afraid that there might comes a time where I will doubt but I want to be sooo faithful to where I don’t have any doubt in my God at all. My faith shall be my eyes. I needa pray. XD
May152012
For God, how sacrificial can I be? Will I be able to give THIS up? Will I be able to invest all of my time just doing God’s work when that time comes? Will I be able to sacrifice my time even if I have to go to a third world country and stay there for months, years… Without my family and friends. Will I be able to do that? Will I be able to sacrifice time with them to do God’s work?
These are the questions that I’ve been asking myself these past few days. Will I be able to give this all up when the time comes or will I just be like the rich young man in Mark 10: 17-22? He couldn’t give everything up because of his valuable possessions. And I believe its not just rich in wealth, but richness of life. What I mean in richness of life is when there is barely anything troubling you. When you “have it good”. Living in a house with air conditioning and heat, with food on the table. Family and friends to love you. All in all, when you are living COMFORTABLY. With these richness, it just makes it harder to follow God. Jesus says, “its easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God.” It’s sad because that’s us. It’s funny because its true.
Will we be like that rich young man or be a TRUE follower of God?
Even now I hesitate to answer, but through God, all things are possible. Pray.
1AM
The Lord shall be my eyes when I can’t see. When all I can see is evil, let God be my eyes. Let not my thoughts take over my actions but see through God and what He will do. Let me see through God and do acts of righteousness and not of my own right. Let me see the light through Him and not the darkness of me. Let me be the reflection of light out of God’s eyes.
May112012
Whoever say 300 is too expensive….. You’re right. But it’s also a bet. Let’s say you were to go on a vacation or a trip. Let’s add all that up, a decent hotel is already about 90-100 a night.. and some, they only provide breakfast. So add that up to how much Hlub cost… That’ll only be 3 days staying at that hotel. As for Hlub… 5/6 days with all you can eat food, breakfast, lunch, dinner, AND a place to sleep… Beats the trip by double. So you may ask, a trip will still be better… Hmm, what are you going to do on a trip with 300 dollars? Hahahaha. Goodluck. Gas is already 100 dollars. Another hundred for a hotel of one night, because you sure ain’t finna sleep at a motel. And another hundred is for food. A days worth isn’t worth a weeks worth. Especially a weeks worth of learning about our religion and being spiritually moved. But that’s just me. ^^
12AM
I will choose my faith over anything if given the option of choosing between something else and faith. I just can’t pick anything/anyone else. I think I’m a loyal friend, son, cousin. But if I were to choose… I will go with my faith in the end. I just can’t stand the guilt of it all. I know we are always forgiven but He also hate the ones who sin on the same thing over and over again. We are forgiven but at the same time He is disappointed. And you know, I just can’t stand that. Knowing all that and still not live the way I should… Is bothersome. Maybe its just how I cope with it but, eh, that’s me.
May102012
I’m pretty excited about it. I don’t feel excited but I can’t wait for it. And if I can’t wait for it then… I’m pretty excited. Hahahah.
Hlub ‘06, only 6 people went. 2 elderly, 2 boys, 2 girls. This time, 3 boys, 6 girls. Possibly 2 more boys. Together 11 people. No elderly, just younglings. And I’m hoping to play the elderly part, harharhar. Just the part of encouraging and really put their minds into the game. Though its not really a game at all. And I want each and everyone to understand that. I’m probably going to plan multiple short lessons just to keep them thinking and deciding when we’re there. Because being there shouldn’t just be “being there”. I know I’ve said it many times and I will say it many more times. You have to choose and really make the effort to follow God. I want to see a transformed youth after Hlub. I know people can’t change overnight, but people can make the effort to change. And its never to late for that. Talking about it. I’m even more excited now. XD I will try my best at Hlub for you kids. If you find me annoying at some points, I don’t care. Just know I’m not there to annoy you with encouragement.
Man am I excited. Hahahah.
May82012
I feel much better compared to yesterday. All I really need was some praying forreal. XD had me sat up to pray and everything. :P I didn’t really get much sleep due to my overthinking brain, but I this morning feels good anyway. Maybe its the prengles I ate. I don’t know. But breakfast in the morning is a must. Just because it makes you wake up and all. XD
On my way to work as I was listening to K-Love, the morning show said something like, don’t think of “what could’ve been?” Instead “what are the possibilities?” And it made me think of my failures and how it had led me to be what I am today. And to be honest, as much as I think I’m behind on “life”, I don’t really feel much of that anymore. Sounds cliche but what happened, really did shape who I am today. Who really thought I will be this spiritually moved in due time. Even I couldn’t imagine myself. And with all these failures, I’m hoping to use it to inspire people. That God really does have a plan for you. That when He “lifts up your face, just don’t turn away.” :P rather embrace Him with open arms as He did that with you. :)
Yesterday, I felt like I didn’t want to be involved in this spiritual life anymore. When the world looks better than God, that’s a problem. And its so easy to get caught up in this mess, because when is it hard not to get messy? I can just go and invest my time on this worldly thing and I’m sure I will “succeed”. You know? Go out and get caught up into these temptations and just really forget about the Lord. What really made me think was just being in a relationship. You know, the put myself out there and whoever I like I like. Just like the old days. XD But, after thinking… I want to have a three-way relationship. Lawl! Me, Jesus, girl. :P and whenever that is. God will show me a girl who loves God. A girl who can motivate me when my spirit is low. A girl who will stick by me and my decision. A girl who loves unconditionally, to me and to other people. You know that type of a girl… XD I’m really thinking too much. Hahahaha. But for now I want to forget about this worldly possessions of needs and wants. I want to focus on doing His work. I want to take an enjoyment in this and not just do it because I know its the right thing to do. I want this to be a career for me. And I hope it will be…
Now I really need to pray. XD
